Grief Dreams

Have you ever dreamed of someone after they died?

Dr. Joshua Black had a vivid dream of his late father, and it changed the course of his life.

One day, he and his father were planning to go to a hockey game together. His dad never showed up, and soon Joshua found out his dad had died suddenly.

“It definitely destroyed me. It took all the joy out of my life.” But Dr. Black goes on to describe how a dream of his father, something he now calls a grief dream, helped him begin to cope with his loss. He says after this one dream, he started to feel happiness again; like he could go on with his life. And he continued to have more dreams about his dad.

This experience affected him so much, he felt compelled to go back to school and study grief dreams, which are also often called bereavement dreams, loss dreams, or visitation dreams. He earned his Master’s degree in Psychology from Trent University where he focused his thesis on the personal meanings grief dreams have to people. He continued on to earn his Doctorate in Psychology from Brock University where he delved deeper into the questions surrounding grief dreams, like why they happen and what they mean.

A Grief Dream Expert

Dr. Black is considered one of the leading researchers on grief dreams, which he says he finds “shocking”. But he notes that he’s one of the first to explore the issue and is still one of only a few researchers to have focused attention on them.

Sleep research itself is a relatively young science, and dreams are a part of sleep that researchers still don’t understand too well. Isn’t it amazing that dreaming, a thing we all do just about every night, is still such a mystery? And it’s not just we humans. Scientists believe that many animals may also dream, and if you’ve watched your dog or cat sleep, it’s tough to think otherwise.

Dr. Black started his Grief Dreams website, griefdreams.ca in 2015 where he and his team offer helpful guidance, tools and other people’s personal dream stories. This is all meant to help you understand your grief dreams and to help you use them for healing. His Grief Dreams Podcast is on the website, and you can listen to all 170 (as of this writing) episodes on the Grief Dreams Facebook page.

What Are Grief Dreams?

Dr. Black identifies two forms of grief dreams. The first are the dreams you have before you know a person has passed away. This may be when someone is ill, and you are aware their death is impending – called anticipatory dreams. Or you may have a dream of someone’s death before you find out it has actually happened when their death was not expected. These dreams can be quite disturbing, and how or why they happen, we just don’t understand yet.

The second form of grief dreams occurs after you know the person has died. You may have dreams that are symbolic of your feelings of loss – your lost one is not in the dream itself, but you dream of feeling trapped, crushed or something similar. You or other people in these dreams may be talking about or referring to them without them actually appearing. Or you may have dreams where you see or interact with the person.

Of the dreams where the person appears, Dr. Black says most fall into one of these seven categories:

1. Rationalization – you are trying to make sense of how your loved one can be there and alive when they have died.
2. Help-crossing-over – you are helping your loved one move on by releasing them or giving them permission to leave.
3. Dead, dying or ill – your loved one may be in your dream and you experience that they are suffering, dying or dead, or you may sense they need help.
4. Discomfort – your loved one may criticize you or express disapproval, or even try to harm you.
5. Comfort – your loved one appears in your dream and says or does something that makes you feel better.
6. Healthy and happy – when your loved one tells you they are okay, happy, have no pain, or they simply act and look well and happy.
7. Separation – you dream of somehow being separated from or kept away from your loved one, or they may tell you they have to go or can’t stay with you.

What Do Grief Dreams Mean?

Dr. Black isn’t completely alone in exploring grief dreams. Author and Professor of Religious and Theological Studies, TJ Wray has done considerable research on grief itself and has examined the dreams so many of us have during and after the grieving process. She, along with Ann Back Price, Clinical Assistant Professor of Psychiatry and Human Behavior wrote the book Grief Dreams: How They Help Us Heal After the Death of a Loved One.

In their book, they look at six main types of grief dreams. Their categories vary slightly from Dr. Black’s with some overlap. The main thrust of their book is to help you pay attention to your dreams so you can use them to work through your grief and even gain a sense of peace as you go through the mourning process.

We really don’t know what grief dreams mean. The experts agree that they can provide great comfort. This is especially true if you dream your loved one has visited you or told you they are okay. They may tell you they will see you again someday or that it is wonderful where they are now.

One thing we do know is that the majority of our dreams, in general, tend to be on the negative side. Dreaming something scary, stressful, frustrating or even just mundane are all typical. Unfortunately, we don’t seem to have as many positive dreams, which makes them all the more enjoyable when we do have them.

Grief dreams, though, seem to happen a bit differently, in that positive or comforting situations outnumber the negative ones. That doesn’t mean, though, that either one is good or bad, right or wrong.

Of course, we all want the positive ones – the ones that leave us feeling better and comforted. But negative or uncomfortable grief dreams may be our way of coping and working through our grief. Dr. Black tell us,

“Negative grief dreams don’t mean you had a negative relationship with the person who’s passed. They are often a reflection of the distress the dreamer is experiencing after losing someone.”
Quote from Mysterious Ways Magazine, June-July 2020

One of the most often-asked questions about grief dreams – and I don’t think you’ll be surprised at this – is whether grief dreams really are our loved ones visiting us, or trying to tell us something from beyond?

It’s something we just can’t know. Not yet at least. Maybe someday we’ll all know when we’re the ones doing the visiting. Or maybe science will be able to give us a definitive answer somehow.

My Own Grief Dream

My own dad died suddenly and way too young. And I was too young to lose him. I was just shy of 21 years old when it happened. An adult, yes, but still very much needing my dad. My first grief dream happened within the first couple of years of losing him. In my dream I was standing in our family’s garage, and my dad came walking along the sidewalk and on up the driveway. He looked healthy and happy – he looked like Dad. He smiled at me and said, “I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately.” We just stood there smiling at each other, and then I woke up.

I remember feeling like I’d had an actual visit from my dad. Like he was telling me he was okay, and I was going to be okay too. That dream gave me comfort and the feeling of safety being around my dad had always given me through my whole life. It was…amazing.

Over the years I’ve had other dreams of my dad, both my grandmas, and I’ve dreamed often about my dogs. But none have ever been as vivid or as meaningful as that first dream of my dad.

That’s why I’m so glad to learn that dreams like this are a common human experience. I’m excited that researchers like Dr. Black, T.J. Wray and Ann Back Price, and others are studying this fascinating phenomenon. Maybe they’ll be able to explain for us the hows and the whys of these dreams as they learn more. That would really be something. I’m looking forward to it.